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Stoicism for grief

A common picture of the Stoic is someone who does not cry. The writings say otherwise. Seneca lost friends and a son and wrote openly about his sorrow. His advice is not to suppress grief but to give it proportion and to keep living alongside it.

If you are in acute grief, there is no exercise that will make it painless. What the Stoics offer is company across the centuries, and a few ways of thinking that some people find steadying.

Weep, but do not drown

In a letter to Lucilius about the death of a friend, Seneca wrote that the eyes should not be dry when we lose someone, nor should they overflow: we may weep, but we must not wail. Grief is an expression of love and deserves respect. The caution is against letting it become the only thing you are.

Returned, not taken

Epictetus suggested a different way to name a loss. Never say of anything "I have lost it", but "I have returned it". The person or thing was never wholly yours to keep. This can feel cold in the first days, and it is fine to set it aside until it can feel like gratitude: I was given this, and I am glad that I was.

Gentle practices

1. Give yourself a place and time for grief each day, so it does not ambush every hour.
2. Write down what you received: the specific memories, habits and ways the person changed you. Keep the list.
3. Do one small act that honours them. Marcus Aurelius returned often to the idea that we live on in how we act well.
4. Stay in contact with the living. Tell one person how you are, truthfully.

In their own words

“Let not the eyes be dry when we have lost a friend, nor let them overflow; we may weep, but we must not wail.”

Seneca, Letters to Lucilius 63 (Gummere translation)

“Never say of anything, "I have lost it"; but, "I have returned it."”

Epictetus, Enchiridion 11

Frequently asked questions

Keep reading

• Seneca and his Letters
• Epictetus and the Enchiridion
• Stoicism for loneliness